Sample essay 2 : Band 7


Some people say that the Internet is making the world smaller by bringing people together. To what extent do you agree that the internet is making it easier for people to communicate with one another?

Due to the advancement of technology new inventions are coming into existence in this modern era. It is true that ‘Necessity is a mother of invention’. Internet is just like a wonder box, which contains every type of information. Besides it has also proved as a very important tool to connect people with one another.

In today’s modernized era nobody has sufficient time to write letters to their loved ones. Moreover it also takes longer to send or receive any information. But the Internet is the easiest way to send messages to our loved ones. Communication can be either in the form of e-mail or through text messages sent via internet to mobile phones. We can send and receive messages straight way.
In other hand today’s young generation mostly prefers to do chatting through the Internet. During such chatting we can write messages and get replies straight away. Moreover voice chatting is going to be very popular day-by-day.
As it is a reality the advantages and disadvantages resemble two sides of one coin, which usually runs parallel. So like other things internet also have some downsides, like causing people health problems for example, poor eye-sight, back ache or migraines. Today’s teenagers usually prefer to spend their time on the internet rather than to participating in other physical activities, which causing them to have a weaker physical health.
To conclude, I would like to say that the Internet is one of the most modernized and most successful tools, not only for communication, even to get most relevant information regarding every field in a very short period of time.
 (268 words)

This is a great essay, well done! Remember, ‘the Internet’ is a proper noun, currently, there is only one. Pay attention to your punctuation – many commas are missing after linking words. Otherwise, the essay is well argued and set out.

What is Formal and informal? Part 3 of 3



Credibility in texts

To adopt a credible argument in your writing of academic texts you should avoid:

     exaggerations

     generalisations that cannot be supported.


Exaggerations

Using language choices that exaggerate a situation or issue should be avoided. Tentative language choices are preferable. Also, academic practice encourages the writer to provide evidence by way of statistics or sourced information that supports the writer’s point, rather than through exaggerated phrases.

Table 9: Removing exaggeration in expressions

Exaggeration in sentences
Reworded sentences
Everyone understands the new tax laws introduced in the last financial year because they were sent information pamphlets about them.
To promote an understanding of the new tax laws introduced in the last financial year, information pamphlets were sent to all householders and businesses.
Drink driving always results in tragedy.
Drink driving frequently results in tragedy. The following national figures identifying the causes of road accidents provide evidence of this.
No one in local government is concerned about the purity levels of the town water.
Few councillors in local government appear concerned about the purity level of the town water.


Generalisations that cannot be supported

Using language choices that generalise comments or indicate certainty that is unsubstantiated should be avoided. Tentative language choices are preferable.

Table 10: Removing generalisations in expressions

Generalisations in sentences
Reworded sentences
Low socio-economic groups will experience high levels of poor health.
Low socio-economic groups are more likely to experience higher levels of poor health compared to high socio- economic groups.
As all nurses know, there is more to health than just the physical care of the patient.
In health care, nurses need to consider more than just physical care of the patient.
Malaysian students come to Australia to study Business or Information Technology.
A large percentage of Malaysian students in Australia are studying Business or Information Technology.





Tentativeness in text and credibility

An important characteristic of academic writing is the avoidance of exaggeration or generalised statements that lack clear evidence to support them. This helps the writing to become more credible. An academic writer puts forward an argument by cautiously choosing words. Tentative language choices suggest possibility rather than certainty. Tentative language choices then can provide credibility to a written text where a set of circumstances or an event suggest or account for a possible outcome. Below are some examples of rewording sentences in a tentative way to make them more credible.

A generalised statement that expresses
certainty:
Tentative statements that express possibility:
Students, who attend career seminars, will be better motivated to complete their degree studies than other students.
Students who attend career seminars, tend to be better motivated / are likely to be better motivated / may well be better motivated to complete their degree studies than other students.

Note: Perhaps some research has been carried out following the career seminars, to test motivation of attendees compared with students who have not attended. The results
may indicate a link, even a strong link between
seminars’ and motivation’. However, as there are other contributing factors to student
motivation, the researcher cannot with certainty
comment on the level of motivation for each group based only on this one factor seminar attendance. In that case, it is better to suggest this relationship by using tentative language.
An increase in demand for quality technology in the home is due to a change in recreational and work behaviour.
An increase in demand for quality technology in the home is perhaps due to / might be due to
/ may be due to / could be due to / can be due
to a change in recreational and work behaviour.

Note: With a growing trend in some places for people to stay at home for their entertainment, or use the home as their workplace, there may be a feeling that this trend is increasing the demand for quality technology in the home. However, as a feeling is not evidence, a direct causal link between an increase in the demand for quality technology and a change in recreational and work behaviour cannot be stated with certainty. In that case, it is better to suggest a link between the two factors by using tentative language.







A generalised statement that expresses
certainty:
Tentative statements that express possibility:
Given the current weather pattern, rain will continue throughout the week.
Given the current weather pattern, rain is likely to continue / is quite likely to continue / is highly likely to continue throughout the week.

Note: As expressed in these sentences there are degrees of tentativeness. As a writer you can make informed judgements about a situation and express the level or degree of possibility that you attribute to the outcome.

You can also avoid irresponsible generalisations by indicating less than one hundred percent in frequency, number or amount. Only use the words always’ and
never with caution. These words allow for no
exceptions. It is likely that your statements would be more credible if you were to use the
words or phrases found in the list that follows.


Note: As expressed in these sentences there are degrees of tentativeness. As a writer you can make informed judgements about a situation and express the level or degree of possibility that you attribute to the outcome.

You can also avoid irresponsible generalisations by indicating less than one hundred percent
in frequency, number or amount. Only use the words always’ and never with caution.
These words allow for no exceptions. It is likely that your statements would be more credible
if you were to use the words or phrases found in the list that follows.


Frequency
Number/Amount
........................100%........................
Always
All
remember this means no exceptions
....................................................
frequently
a majority (of)
...............................................
often
a lot (of)
............................................
usually
a number (of)
........................................
regularly
many
...................................
generally
several
...............................
normally
more (than)
.........................
sometimes
a minority (of)
.....................
occasionally
a few
................
rarely
less (than)
...........
seldom
fewer (than)
…...
hardly ever
few
0%
Never
None no exceptions